


Persona Fever Dream

by Rantaro



Category: Persona Series
Genre: AU, Other, Out of Character, comedy?, shitpost, what even is this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:15:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22728994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rantaro/pseuds/Rantaro
Summary: I literally don't know what the hell I'm writing.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. The Auditions

Joker: Okay guys, it’s time to start our Phantom Thieves podcast auditions. We need to get our eighth member.

Makoto: But Joker why do we need eight people.

Joker: Because fuck you. Anyway, bring in the first applicant.

*Yukari walks in*

Yukari: Hello, I’m Yukari Takeba, and I’m a mode-

*Ann runs up to Yukari and stabs her in the face*

Ann: There’s only room for one thot in this brigade, and that’s me. Bitch.

Joker: Okay, well she failed. Next.

*Wilma Flintstone walks in*

Wilma: Hello I’m here to audition for the TV show?

Joker: What TV show?

Wilma: The ghost-stone thieves one.

Joker: Who the fuck are you?

Wilma: I don’t like that language. FRED!

Joker: Morgana, if you’d please.

Morgana: Yes Joker.

*Morgana runs up to Wilma*

Morgana: Go the fuck to sleep.

*Morgana hits Wilma with a 2x4*

Yusuke: She’s failed as well.

Joker: It’s going to be a long day.

***Meanwhile in the city***

Minato: Minako, what are you doing?

Minako: I want to become a phantom thief.

Minato: But Minako, you know you’re not allowed out of the kennel except for once every 9 years.

Minako: But brother, it’s time for me to shine and be my own person.

Minato: But you’ll neve be your own person. You’re just me with brown hair and tits.

Minako: I’m not an emo edgelord though.

Minato: Oh no that made me want to kill myself.

Minako: Okay, he should be angsty for about 5 minutes. Now’s my chance.

*Minako runs away*

Minato: Dammit foiled again.

***Back at Cafe LeBlanc***

Joker: Okay guys I’m going outside for a quick break.

*Joker walks outside*

Joker: What a beautiful day to be alive in Tokyo and not be someone who steals hearts in another world. Totally don’t do that.

*Mitsuru walks by*

Joker: Oh, hello Mitsuru. Would you like to audition for the phantom thieves?

Mitsuru: No. I’m too rich and famous to partake in such activities.

Joker: Are you sure?

Mitsuru: Yes.

Joker: Aw.

Mitsuru: Okay I need to go be much better than you anywhere else now.

*Mitsuru leaves*

*Joker returns inside LeBlanc*

Joker: Okay guys let’s continue auditions.

Makoto: Actually Joker we’ve decided to hand pick four people to audition since open auditions weren’t going well.

Joker: Oh, okay. Who did you pick?

*Hifumi, Mishima, Kasumi, and Haru enter LeBlanc*

Makoto: Those are our four auditionees.

Haru: Wait guys I’m not here to audition I”m already a phantom thie-

Joker: Don’t get ahead of yourself, poodle.

Haru: But I’m already-

Joker: That’s it poodle’s out. You other three, come with me.

*Hifumi, Mishima, and Kasumi follow the others upstairs, leaving Haru alone in LeBlanc*

Haru: But I’m already a phantom thief…

***Meanwhile in the city***

*Minako runs through Shibuya as fast as she can*

Minako: I need to hurry and make it to the auditions before they’re finishe-

*Minako runs into Akihiko. He turns around and sees her.*

Akihiko: Oh hello, Minako. Has it been 9 years already?

Minako: No I’ve escaped and am trying to get an audition to be a phantom thief.

Akihiko: What’s that?

Minako: It’s a super cool and hip podcast. It’s, as the cool kids say these days, “cool beans”.

Akihiko: Minako nobody has said “cool beans” since 2010.

Minako: Oh no, I thought my slang was so hip and happening.

Akihiko: Please stop trying to be cool and I will help you get to your audition.

Minako: Wait how?

*Akihiko throws Minako over his shoulder and starts sprinting*

Minako: I thought you were a boxer not a sprinter.

Akihiko: Has any Persona logic been applied to this dumb story at all?

Minako: Oh true.

***Back in LeBlanc***

Joker: Okay so your first step is to awaken your persona.

Mishima: My what?

Hifumi: How?

Joker: You go into another universe, get a migraine and rip your face off.

Mishima: Wait what.

Futaba: Joker they can’t awaken until they’ve been accepted.

Joker: Oh, right. In that case, pretend to awaken your persona, so we can see if it looks cool.

Mishima: Do I still have to rip my face off?

Joker: Sure.

Makoto: Please don’t, it won’t grow back unlike if you actually awaken.

Kasumi: What logical sense does that make?

Ann: It doesn’t.

Kasumi: K.

Joker: Okay Hifumi your turn.

*Hifumi goes super sayan and starts ground pounding the floor*

Hifumi: PersonaaaaaaaaAAAAAAA AWAKENING ATTAAAAAAAAAACK.

Joker: Okay thank you Hifumi we’ll keep in touch if you’re selected.

*Hifumi leaves*

Futaba: You’re not calling her back are you?

Joker: No I’m deleting her number and forgetting I ever met her.

Makoto: Okay Mishima your turn.

*Mishima gets on his knees and clasps his hands together*

Mishima: PLEASE PERSONA I NEED YOUR HELP SAVE ME.

Joker: Thank you Mishima we’ll get back to you if you’re selected.

Mishima: Are you deleting my number and forgetting you ever met me?

Joker: Yes.

Mishima: Okay.

*Mishima sulkily walks away*

Kasumi: Is it my turn now?

Makoto: Actually we decided we picked you before we auditioned the other two.

Kasumi: Why?

Makoto: Because you seem like, as the kids say these days, a “boss ass bitch.”

Kasumi: K.

Joker: We will awaken your true persona later.

Kasumi: Will my awakening be super cool like you said?

Joker: I feel like yours will be relatively disappointing and a lame anime reference.

***Back with Minako and Akihiko***

*Akihiko arrives at LeBlanc*

Akihiko: Go Minako!

*Minako sprints inside*

Minako: Hello I’m here to audition for the Phantom Thieves.

Joker: Oh, sorry, the role is taken.

Minako: But can I try anyway?

Joker: No.

Minako: Why not?

Joker: We only accept canon characters.

Minako: But Kasumi is-

Kasumi: I was retconned into canon you silly canon wannabe.

Joker: Okay guys let’s go do things somewhere else so the not-canon character can have plot development.

*Everyone else leaves, leaving Minako and Akihiko alone*

Aikihiko: Are you okay Minako?

Minako: Akihiko, let’s make our own podcast. It’ll rival theirs.

Akihiko: K. But what should be call it?

Minako: We’ll call it…

....the Phantom Twats.

Sojiro: So are you two gonna get coffee or?

***To be continued (maybe)***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a mess but I hope you like it ig lmao


	2. Haru's Babysitting Service, Episode 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to the Spice Girls today

Haru: Roll call! Momoko?

Momoko: Here.

Haru: Nagasaki?

Nagasaki: Here.

Haru: Evanescence?

Evanescence: Here.

Haru: Ryuto?

Ryuto: Here.

Haru: Hayato?

Hayato: Here.

Haru: Reina?

Reina: Here.

Haru: Azami?

Azami: Here.

Haru: Keiichi?

Keiichi: Here.

Haru: Kira?

Kira: Here.

Haru: Smurgle von Elfington?

Smurgle: Here.

Haru: Perfect! Now we can get ready!

Azami: Miss Haru, what are we doing again?

Haru: We’re getting ready for your performance!

Evanescence: Do we have to?

*Haru brandishes an axe*

Evanescence: I mean, I’m SO EXCITED! How about you guys?

*The rest muster up some form of excitement*

Haru: I’m glad we understand each other! Now, get to your places~!

  
  
  


***In Cafe LeBlanc***

Akihiko: Minako, we’ve been looking for new recruits for the Phantom Twats and there are still only two members: us.

Minako: Don’t worry Akihiko, I have a plan.

Akihiko: What is this plan?

Minako: It’s a plan. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to enroll us into our new high school.

Akihiko: You’re going to what now?

Minako: Yes, I believe it’s called Sushi Academy. It’s where the phantom thieves go.

Akihiko: Why are we transferring there? What about our friends back at-?

Minako: Who?

Akihiko: Oh, right, you had no friends.

Minako: Excuse me?

Akihiko: What am I supposed to say?

Minako: I am very disappointed in this friendship.

  
  
  


***Back with Haru***

*Haru shoots a mannequin with her grenade launcher*

Haru: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU EVANESCENCE, IT’S “ZIGAZIG-UH” NOT “ZIGAZIG-HAH.” I can’t believe you cost this much!

Evanescence: You’re not even paying me!

Haru: I stand by what I said.

*Azami leans over towards Nagasaki*

Azami: Is it me or has she, like, lost it?

Nagasaki: She lost it the day she picked us up for our surprise daycare stay.

Azami: I wonder when our mommies will pick us up. I’m scared of this Haru lady.

  
  
  


*Meanwhile in Vegas*

Azami’s mother: CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE OFFERED TO PAY US 200 MILLION YEN TO WATCH OUR KIDS?!

Nagasaki’s mother: I KNOW RIGHT??? And people say daycare is hard to find these days!

  
  
  


***Back with Haru***

Momoko: YO! I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want!

Hayato: So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

Kira: I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want!

Keiichi: So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

Evanescence: I wanna-

Rest: Hah!

Evanescence: I wanna-

Rest: Hah!

Evanescence: I wanna-

Rest: Hah!

Evanescence: I wanna-

Rest: Hah!

Evanescence: I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig-uh!

All: IF YOU WANNABE MY LOVER, YOU GOTTA GET WITH MY FRIENDS! Make it last forever! FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDS~!

Haru: CUT! Azami, you were off beat. Hayato, you were off key. Evanescence, YOU DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH EMOTION IN IT!

*Evanescence starts crying*

Evanescence: I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE I WANNA GO HOME!

Haru: YOU CAN GO HOME ONCE YOU’RE FAMOUS! FROM THE TOP!

  
  
  


***With Minako and Akihiko at the school***

Minako: Yes hello, we’d like to transfer here to Sushi Academy from our current school, Gastrointestinal High.

Akihiko: Don’t you mean transfer to Sujuin Academy from Gekkokan High?

Minako: That’s what I said.

Akihiko: Okay.

Counsellor: Do you have your parents’ or guardians’ permission?

Minako: What if they’re dead?

Counsellor: They still need to sign the paperwork.

Minako: What if I sign it myself and say I was possessed by them when doing so?

Counsellor: That works for me.

*Minako and Akihiko both sign their transfer forms*

Minako: Oh my goodness I was possessed by my dear mother.

Akihiko: Me too.

Counsellor: K. See you monday.

Minako: What about our new uniforms?

Counsellor: Our uniform is fugly, just keep yours.

Minako: K.

***Minako and Akihiko leave the school***

Akihiko: So what about this plan of yours to recruit new members for the Twats?

Minako: Which one?

Akihiko: Wasn’t us transferring to this school part of the plan you mentioned earlier?

Minako: No this is completely unrelated.

Akihiko: Then what is the other plan?

Minako: A plan.

Akihiko: K. Where are we supposed to sleep?

Minako: Well I spend all of your money on a luxury hotel.

Akihiko: What about your money?

Minako: I need to buy hamburgers with something.

Akihiko: Where will I sleep?

Minako: There was a nice box outside of LeBlanc.

Akihiko: I have to sleep in a box?

Minako: Yes. Goodnight.

*Minako runs off*

Akihiko: K.

  
  


***Back with Haru***

*The children’s performance of Wannabe has ended*

Haru: Alright children, time to tell you who stood out to me the most! It was...Evanescence!

Evanescence: Wait, me?

Haru: Yes. You were so awful I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. You lose the daycare competition.

Evanescence: Competition?

Haru: Yes. This is a contest. You lost. Say hello to my bunny Mittens up in heaven!

Evanescence: In heav-?

*Haru blows up Evanescence with her grenade launcher*

Haru: Tune is next time to Haru’s Babysitting Service for even more drama! Teehee!

***To be continued (maybe)***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't know what I'm writing


	3. Strawberry Shortcake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I'm allowed a keyboard

Joker: Thank you for tuning into this week’s Phantom Thief podcast. Today we have a very special guest.

Kasumi: Is it me, your newest member?

Joker: No. It’s me.

Ryuji: But Joker you are here every week.

Joker: I know. I carry all you deadweights, I deserve a trophy for that.

Ann: I went to the studio today.

Joker: Ann shut up about being a model.

Ann: It’s not for a modelling job.

Joker: I still don’t get paid enough to care.

Ann: We don’t get paid.

Joker: When did I ask you?

Makoto: Whose heart will be stolen next?

Joker: I don’t know.

Morgana: I think we should-

Ryuji: Shut up Morgana.

Morgana: I am now sad because an idiot told me to shut up.

Futaba: That’s it Ryuji you are no longer a Phantom Thief. Go away.

Ryuji: But you’re not the lea-

Joker: Goodbye Ryuji, I never liked you anyway.

Ryuji: Oh…

Joker: Get out.

*Ryuji sadly leaves*

Joker: Well shit time for more auditions.

  
  
  


***Downstairs in LeBlanc***

Akihiko: Okay Minako, we need to get new members as soon as possible or else we will never catch up in podcast popularity.

Minako: Calm down Akihiko, I’m sure someone will join soon.

Akihiko: Who?

Minako: Idk, how about him?

*Minako points at Ryuji, who is sadly walking down the stairs*

Akihiko: But Minako he is already a phantom thief.

Minako: Maybe we can steal him.

*Minako gets Ryuji’s attention*

Minako: Hello, would you like to convert to being a Phantom Twat?

Ryuji: What?

Akihiko: We are making a podcast to rival the Phantom Thieves.

Ryuji: Okay.

Minako: Really?

Ryuji: Yes I got kicked out of the Phantom Thieves.

Minako: How sad. Oh well. You are now a Twat. Welcome.

Ryuji: Where is our secret hideout?

Akihiko: Here.

Ryuji: But this is the Phantom Thieves’ hideout.

Minako: Exactly.

Ryuji: K.

  
  
  


***Back with the Thieves***

Kasumi: ...and that’s why you should always stretch before tripping the elderly.

Joker: Thank you Kasumi. This ends our weekly podcast. Have a good night.

*Joker turns off the recording*

Joker: Today was awful.

Ann: Yes it was. I must go to the studio again. Bye bye.

*Ann leaves*

Joker: Why did she specify that to us?

Futaba: I don’t know and I don’t care.

Kasumi: What is that on Ann’s chair?

*Kasumi points to a CD on Ann’s chair*

Makoto: A CD?

Morgana: What’s on it?

Makoto: I don’t know. Should we listen?

Yusuke: Sure.

Futaba: Yusuke I literally forgot you existed.

Yusuke: Everyone does it’s okay.

Kasumi: Let’s listen to this CD that suspiciously appeared after Ann said she was leaving.

Makoto: K.

  
  


***Meanwhile***

Ann: I sure hope I didn’t forget my demo CD at the hideout.

  
  
  


***With the Phantom Twats***

Minako: So tomorrow we will meet on the school roof?

Ryuji: Yes. I know a guy who might want to help.

Akihiko: Who is he?

Ryuji: He’s the drama club president. 

Akihiko: Sounds lame.

Minako: You’re just mad that you can’t box him.

Akihiko: So?

Minako: K.

Ryuji: So we will meet tomorrow.

Minako: Yes.

Akihiko: Yes.

Ryuji: K.

  
  


***With the Thieves***

*Everyone in the room is standing silently listening to Ann’s voice come out of the boombox*

Ann: _ I always pull him closer so I can pull his yeet yeet/Make him throw his head back and pay me with his skeet skeet/Eat my strawberry shortcake/Bang me like a drum/Get drunk on me daddy/Drink me up, I’m your rum. _

*The song ends and the Thieves are are completely silent, with shocked faces*

Joker: What the actual fuck was that?

Makoto: I feel dirty now.

Kasumi: I lost my virginity second hand from that.

Futaba: Goodbye everyone I’m off to see my mom.

Yusuke: I thought it was wonderful.

Makoto: Yusuke you confuse me.

Morgana: So this is what Lady Ann was doing?

Makoto: I never would have guessed she was trying to be a slutty popstar.

Joker: I have an idea. Let’s leak the song to bring more attention to our podcast.

***To be continued (maybe)***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry


	4. Float Like a Cannonball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently drunk and sad

***On the rooftop***

Minako: Ryuji where is this friend of yours?

Ryuji: He's not my friend.

Minako: I don't care.

Ryuji: Lemme text him.

*Ryuji texts said friend and gets a response almost immediately*

Ryuji: He said he can't make it.

Akihiko: Why?

Ryuji: He said he has a talent show to practise for.

Akihiko: Lame

Minako: Let's find him and talk to him.

Ryuji: K.

*They go to the club building on the second floor*

Ryuji: Here is the drama club.

Minako: It's quiet.

Akihiko: I will knock very loudly.

*Akihiko bangs on the door loudly*

Minako: Nobody is here.

Akihiko: K.

Minako: Where is he?

Ryuji: Idk, let's look around.

Minako: K.

***With the Phantom Thieves***

Joker: Hey Ann!

Ann: What?

Joker: How many guys' yeet yeets do you pull?

Ann: What?

Morgana: We heard your song.

Ann: I hate that song but it's my first single.

Makoto: Why?

Ann: Cuz the song I wanted was "too slutty" so they made me record The Drummer, the song you heard.

Joker: K.

Ann: How did you hear that song?

Makoto: You left it on your chair.

Ann: K.

Morgana: What are you gonna do Ann?

Ann: I'm performing at the school talent show on Friday.

Makoto: What are you singing?

Ann: My single.

Makoto: K.

***With the Twats***

*Piano music is heard in the hallway*

Ryuji: Music room?

*They open the door, and see a male 3rd year student with blue hair sat at the piano, playing and singing alone*

Boy: _Stones taught me to fly...Love taught me to lie...Life taught me to die...So it's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball..._

*The boy stops playing and turns to the group*

Boy: Can I help you?

Ryuji: Arakawa, I told you to meet us on the rooftop!

Arakawa: And I told you that I had things to do and to stop trying to bribe me with PlayGirl magazines. I'm not gay.

Ryuji: But you're in theatre!

Arakawa: Can you leave now?

Minako: Hello, I'm Minako Arisato, could we speak to you briefly?

Arakawa: Can I make fun of Sakamoto afterwards?

Minako: Yes.

Ryuji: What?

Arakawa: K.

Minako: We're trying to make our own podcast to rival the Phantom Thief podcast. I auditioned for theirs and they bullied Akihiko and I, so we want to make our own podcast to be positive.

Arakawa: Okay and?

Minako: We heard you're the drama club president, so we thought you might know something about it.

Arakawa: I know some but I don't know if it's enough to be helpful.

Minako: Please?

Akihiko: Don't make her cry!

Minako: I'm not crying.

Akihiko: Look you made her cry!

Ryuji: She's not crying.

Akihiko: Ryuji why did you make us meet someone who would make her cry!

Arakawa: If you don't stop talking I'm going to Persona 3 all of you and then myself.

Minako: Will you help?

Arakawa: Only if you help me.

Minako: How?

Arakawa: One of the thieves is in the school talent show on Friday. I'm partaking as well. I don't know if my performance can win, so I'll have you help me.

Minako: How?

Arakawa: I need you to do an interpretive dance to this song.

Minako: K.

Arakawa: Also it's a pole dance.

Minako: Wait what?

*Arakawa stands up from the piano, and puts a yellow beanie on his head*

Arakawa: Zentaro Arakawa. 3rd year, and president of the drama club since last year. Nice to meet you. I'll see you here same time tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was sober when I finished this because I fell asleep writing it


End file.
